Dad: I particularly enjoyed the line, “lettuce was also involved”. Does this mean that the lettuce also threw plums?
Me: Hee hee hee hee hee I liked that too.
Dad: Or maybe she threw plums at the lettuce? Maybe it was all the lettuce’s fault?
Me: Yes, I blame the lettuce.
Dad: As well you should. I’ve never really trusted lettuce. It just sits there usually, looking white, green and yes, sometimes brown. You should never turn your back on a plate of lettuce unless you have smothered it in a thick pungent dressing of some sort. How do you feel about that?
Me: I’ve thought from time to time that lettuce really should be banned, and nobody will listen to me! They’ll be sorry when the lettuce in this country rises up and takes over! I know that’s what it’s plotting, I can SEE it. It’s worse than Communism!
Dad: In the case of this plum incident, I smell rotten conspiracy. The combination of [actress] and lettuce, well, I’d say one of enormous proportions. Maybe [actress] bleeds green!
Me: Ahhhh you think she’s in league with the lettuce, then? This could mean trouble. It may be a matter of national security!
Dad: I certainly think that Ashcroft should be looking into this. In the meantime, your mother and I are going out to take a walk. We will continue later.
Love love love